The drowning of sorrows in Scruffy Murphys on Monday afternoon
At last, the torture of witnessing this dire Ashes tour has come to an end. With what now looks like naive optimism, a few months ago I bought tickets for Day 3 of the Fifth Test at the Sydney Cricket Ground - hoping to see, at least, a cricket contest. What I got was a cat toying with a battered and beaten mouse - the death throes of one of the most disastrous England tours ever and one of the most humiliating days in English cricket history.
You could say I got my money's worth - watching Australia's middle and lower order put on a good batting display, including a century from Chris Rogers, and then getting to see the entire England cricket team bat..... all out in just three hours of 32 overs of cricket. At least Broad and Stokes swung the bat at Lyon and Harris in the cricketing equivalent of kamikaze pilots who knew they had nothing to lose.
Day 3 of the Sydney Test is Jane McGrath Day, when most of the 45 000 spectators wear pink in support of the foundation that raises funds for breast cancer care. We half-wondered whether someone from Channel 9 or the ACB went in to the Australian dressing room on Day 2 and told Michael Clarke that his boys needed to bat a bit longer on Day 3, as it just wouldn't do if it was all over by lunchtime; it was, in any case, by about 4.25pm.
Mercifully, Wayne and Pete spared me having to endure the presentation and post match celebrations. Following yet another early dismissal, I had half expected to hear that Alistair Cook had walked straight from the field on to Driver Avenue and had hailed a cab straight for the airport. We left in search of a decent pale ale and a good meal in Chinatown.
Just after the start of play - "more chins than a Chinese phonebook" (credit - Gillian)
The newly refurbished SCG looked magnificent from the Victor Trumper Stand, across to the new M.A.Noble and Don Bradman Stands (on the far right) the Ladies Stand and directly opposite us the Members Pavilion, with the city skyline behind. The Barmy Army were just below us
So the post-mortems will begin. I am no cricketing expert, but I have watched or listened to most of this series, following much of the analysis throughout from Jonathan Agnew, Kerry O'Keefe, Tubby Taylor, Slats, Mark Nicholas, Bumble, Bill Lawry, Botham and the rest.
There is the obvious: two senior players departed mid-tour, Australia were superior in every facet of the game in every match, Australia clearly prepared far better than England did, and England's top order batsman have no idea how to cope with the sheer pace of Mitchell Johnson.
From a spectator's and fan's perspective here, I was left feeling angry and embarrassed. Apart from a couple of hours play across 5 Test matches, it was not a contest at all.
Johnson had England players jumping around like a frog in a sock, their confidence shot through after the first Test. Having repeatedly got themselves out playing hook or pull shots, it then seemed that there had been a ban placed on them ever using that shot again. The result was that at no stage were the Australian bowlers under pressure from bowling bad balls that could be put away in such a fashion.
Even Carberry, who got starts in most games, consistently failed to punish the bad ball and (his last innings aside) would allow the run rate to fall so desperately low in attempt not to get himself out, simply piled more pressure on himself and his team. The shot selection of senior batsmen - both Bell and Pietersen - was often bizarre. Michael Vaughan in the commentary box was left repeatedly incredulous at the ways they managed to get themselves out. Meanwhile, Cook didn't know whether to play or leave, his confidence shattered. The over-rate was painfully slow when England were in the field; Cook as captain giving the impression, at least, that he didn't really know what to do.
Six months ago, Australian cricket was at a nadir - fractions in the squad, players being sent home or fined, calls for Clarke to be sacked. A few months later and they played brilliantly and passionately all series, got themselves out of holes and punished England at key moments; now, understandably, they are being lauded as potential world beaters. The real test for them will be in South Africa, where they will be touring soon.
Credit to the new coach (Darren Lehmann) who ditched the rotation system and insisted on positive cricket, to Michael Clarke and his players (especially Johnson, who has transformed as a player in the last two years), but it shows what can be done. Changes will be made in the England set-up, but the consensus seems to be that Cook and Flower are the best men for their respective rolls. I wonder whether Pietersen's talent with the bat outweighs any negative influence he may have in creating a united team.
How much change is necessary should become clear in the reviews that will follow. It may be in personnel, or more fundamentally. I was interested to read of Barney Ronay's comment in his Guardian Online (Australia) article:
It has been a chasteningly meek capitulation and in many ways England have lost more than simply an Ashes series here. If there is vitriol amid the disappointment from those who watch and support this is driven by an extra element in the traditional bargain between the sides in this mutually dependant two-hander. Expectations have been transformed by the ongoing pact with television that has seen the England team elevated to a kind of circling death star, semi-detached from county cricket, hidden away behind its TV paywall and transformed into a mob-handed corporate machine.
I wonder how far this insularity goes to explaining England's approach this tour; especially with regard to Cook's response in the post-match press conference, when Aggers asked if he was interested in the opinions of experienced cricketers and observers outside of the team - to which he said no. Interestingly, not one of the backroom staff came on the field at the SCG, although they were all out there at the Oval a few months ago to receive the plaudits for a 3-0 Ashes victory. They may all be in for a shock when they land back at Heathrow.
A glimmer of light these last few weeks has at least been offered by Ben Stokes and Stuart Broad - both of whom, with bat and bowl, showed a "stick it up 'em" fighting spirit and an ability to react instinctively to game situations.
I certainly look forward to how this all plays out, what changes are made and how England will bounce back from this. As Aggers opined last week, they need to do much more than prepare some nice green wickets to host India and Sri Lanka and then pretend that all is well. Lehmann and Clarke turned it around for Australia in 2013; if they are up for it, Flower and Cook are talented enough to do the same for England in 2014.
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