The Local Zoo

Whilst one of the wonderful aspects (perhaps, the only one) of being here on my own is the quality time I get to spend with the most important person in my life. Me. (with thanks to Blackadder, via Robert). However, I am a social animal; I do come out quite strongly on the 'extrovert' category of the online Myers-Briggs test of which I'm a fan; but then, given my personality type (and yes, I do like to 'put things in boxes') I would like it, wouldn't I? - Anyway, as a social animal there is only so much time I can spend on my own reading, walking, running, eating, sleeping etc in various combinations. So for the last couple of evenings I visited the local backpacker bar whilst I read my book. It's right on the beach and but for a huge canopy is open to the elements and facing the water - a great spot. Given its isolation, music can be blared out at normally offensive volumes, presumably upsetting nobody, given that the koalas will sleep through anything, the curliews, bats and possums are awake anyway and the rainbow lorikeets make such a racket at dawn that they deserve to be kept awake.

I knew that my naive attempts to acquire a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon were bound to fail (it was box wine, beer or shots), but they didn't even have the least chemically dodgy of Australian beers - pale ale; presumably because this, too, was far too refined for the patrons.

To continue the animal theme, my observations of the behaviour of the human animals in the bar were interesting to say the least. I arrived this evening to find a male ape (to apply the word 'Great' would be a slur on that noble genre of primates), lying on the floor of the bar, inebriated, whilst three other male apes 'aped' kicking him whilst laughing hysterically. The four male apes then paraded around the bar in varying states of undress, stamping their feet and throwing their bodies to the floor - not so much in time with the music but certainly excited by it. This was done ostensibly, I think, to get the attention of the female apes, who persistently feigned disinterest. The MC ('Microphoned Chimp') sporadically announced 'special offers' to the apes if they performed a certain trick - for example, "The first girl [sic] to show me something beginning with the letter "T" wins a free Jagerbomb!!!". It was like a perverse episode of Sesame Street. Only dumbed-down.  I'm clearly too old to know what a 'Jagerbomb' is (God knows how it's spelt), but I have a fair idea, from where I was sitting and from the intellectual and moral calibre of the animals present, what the winning 'girl' (female ape) showed in order to receive one.

The ape who had previously been lying on the floor was then encouraged to bear his hindquarters to the other apes, which he proceeded to do, repeatedly, to much whooping and yelping and banging of fists on tables. He also received a "Jagerbomb" treat as a reward. The apes were now in a frenzy and, highly excited, the males climbed on to the tables and jumped up and down making an awful din - all of which was studiously ignored by the zoo keepers who seemed to be applying this tactic in the hope they would desist. I may be reading too much in to the situation though - it may also be that the zoo keepers just didn't care.

It is worth pointing out that this all took place at about 8.30pm on a Sunday evening. I left, wondering whether what I had witnessed constituted proof that the Darwinian theory of the 'evolution' of homo sapiens was fundamentally flawed. And I would certainly like to apologise to other primate species for implying that these particular homo sapiens were as highly evolved as they are.